Pardon My Heart

"When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?"

Jason Mraz has a way with words. He is one of my personal heroes. Not only was he able to break away from a bad engagement and still be sane but he is also an avid yogi and vegan. Basically what I want in a guy. For a little over a year I thought it would be a good idea to sacrifice my own happiness to have someone else be happy. Not in the "a mother wants her children to be happy so she puts them first" kind of way but more in the "I'm going to hang on to a guy who is not okay and doesn't feel the same way back in hopes that he decides to change his mind soon". Yup. That's the summary of it. The story line is a little more complicated but I'll just fast forward to yesterday's incident.

As I'm driving home waiting for a phone call, from a sweet heart of a guy, my phone rings so I assume it's him and pick up. FIRST MISTAKE.
It wasn't, it was this previous guy I spoke about. Let's call him Jon. He calls and asks where I'm at thinking that I was still down the road from his house but I was almost home. I haven't spoken to him since he last told me to "do myself a favor and stop wasting my time talking to him" so this caught me off guard and I asked if he was okay. SECOND MISTAKE.
He was not okay. His 5 year girlfriend left him again. She's been gone for two weeks and of course he believed that I would just go falling into his arms again. NO. I am 22 years now, therefore I am wiser than when I first met him at 18. After about an hour of trying to make him understand that he's going to be okay and he persistently remind me that he loves his girlfriend and can't live without her I just about had it. I'm not a kleenex and I would rather talk to someone who makes me laugh not cry. So I tell him so. THIRD MISTAKE.
His argument back is that I'm such a wonderful person who is filled with life and happiness, and that I make him happy. That I make him happy but we can't be friends in real life because his girlfriend hates me. (His girlfriend who left him for the 3? time) That I deserve to be with a great guy but that I should remember that he will always be attracted to me no matter what. Even 30 years down the road he will always be attracted to me and the person that I am. That was his big mistake.

I speak for myself and every girl out there that you should never be anyone's 5 minute happiness. That if you find a guy that you truly like and you make every effort out there to make him happy, well he should make you happy as well. He should consider you his main squeeze and not a toy that can go rent out from time to time.
After him insisting that I made him happy but yet he loved his girlfriend and can't imagine living without her I finally decided to cut off this 1 year non-relationship relationship. In yoga we learned to let go of those things that do not serve you. So I did. As much as I liked the guy and thought he was worth my time, I'm clearly not worth his time.  I told him to not bother calling anymore, that if he sees pictures of me on fb then I'm sorry but I'm moving on. He had a choice for a year and he choose to stick around and be miserable. If the cool thing to do nowadays is to lay around your house moping about your life, then he is the coolest guy around. Pardon my heart but I wished him the best and good bye.

Almost two years of having my life on pause. I woke up this morning, practiced some  yoga and felt liberated. For the first time in almost two years I feel like I don't have to try to make his day. And that, my friends, is an exhilarating feeling. Today is my last day at Starbucks as well and then I will be liberated from that as well.  Plus the right person has fallen into my life just when the wrong one fell off.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING. 

We All Hate Change

I dedicate this post to one of my friends, Matt, because no matter what heartache or pain he goes through he never stops believing that true love exists out there.

This morning as I was procrastinating getting ready I just scrolled around Facebook and looking at people's pictures. I came across this guy's post to his girlfriend for their Anniversary. Super cute you might think, but it was a post that made you tilt your head and wonder why. This couple has been together for so long. Well past 4 years from what I can remember. She had yet to like the post or comment on it and I always found that suspicious. In this day in age, EVERYONE has a smart phone so I figured she received her tagged notification when it occurred yet she did nothing about it.
When I went to her page to creep I saw exactly what I thought I would see. Her page doesn't say that she's in a relationship, much less a 5 year relationship. There aren't many pictures of them on it, just a lot about her career. So why be together for so long if you're not proud of it? I believe that love should be something that you can scream out to people freely and be proud of it. There is no shame in giving someone else your heart nor is there anything to hide. No crime is committed, just love.
So why do it? Why string along a relationship where there is no longer love and just mutual likeness. I took a break to watch Eddie Murphy in Coming to America. I only got like 15 minutes into it when I saw an immediate connection. In the movie, he has to go through an arranged marriage and he argues against it. His father, the king, tells him of his own personal experience and how with time and company you learn to fall in love with that person through kindness. Well could the same thing happen if you stay together for so long and kindness is lacking? Could you fall out of love even if at the start it was an uncontrollable love? I believe so. Then you're stuck in that awkward stage of a relationship where you are two strangers who are together. We don't get out of it because we hate change. It's easier to stick around with the person you fell in love with back in high school that make a bold move to find happiness somewhere else. With all our busy schedules and fast paced careers could we be creating houses with a roommate instead of a life partner?

Where do we draw the line?

While in yoga today, towards the end before our Shavasana, our yoga instructor told us to bunch up into a tiny little ball and let everything that we had going on to dense up in that tiny ball and hold onto it really tight. After a couple of breaths we let it all go and simply laid there. She said that's the issue in our lives, that we simply let things drag along with us and we need to detach ourselves from them. That we need to detach ourselves from our past and focus on the present and that we should not worry about the future. That what matters the most is the day that we are currently living and what we decide to do with our love. What a thing to hear. Then I realized that maybe that was my issue with my life. I'm constantly focusing on what I'm going to do in the future that I hardly have time to focus on today. If not I keep referring to people as "ex-boyfriends" when well I think after a while they should no longer be referred to as "ex-boyfriends" but instead of old friends. It has a happier meaning to it and a more welcoming title to strangers or new romances. Same goes for old best friends. Instead of saying "she used to be my best friend" it's  best to say that they were my childhood friends. Life is a little better when you stop focusing on what you did in the past and what you want from the future and just realize that what you have today is what you have. So detach yourself from your past and realize that everyday you can start over.