Quiero lavar en el mar lo que no sea futuro.

This weekend so far has been amazing and I cannot wait to write all about it and Sarah's birthday celebrations but first I have to write about something that makes me feel queasy from time to time. Some weeks ago I really liked a guy. This was something kind of new for me. After I ended my 2 year relationship with Nicholas I felt as though no matter who I met, I didn't like them or something was wrong with them. For a while I was certain something was wrong with me. I would have great guys right in front of me but yet I felt nothing, I felt no spark and no sort of interest in any of them. I would come up with the dumbest excuses for why they just weren't the right one for me or even worth my time. I even threw a fit and was really upset when this guy who I was on a date with did not know who Stevie Ray Vaughan was. I felt insulted and decided I couldn't talk to the guy anymore. Sounds real immature now that I look at it again but I can be childish from time to time.

But then something happened. I didn't really meet a new guy it was just this one guy who I had known for a while and had a very childish crush on. He's by far not my type and not someone I would haver ever seen myself liking but there's something there that has always caught my eye. Well it just kind of all sparked together at once and burned beautifully. It was like a sparkler. It lit up quick and emitted colorful flames and sparks everywhere. It burned real hot and it made me happy. For the first time I felt as though what I had found was all in my hands and I could control it and let it make me happy but then just like every good sparkler it died down and didn't spark back up and it won't ever spark back up. 

I felt really dumb. I should have known better because I knew from the start before I made the leap of actually trying something new that I was going to get hurt. It was a bad circumstance and it was just doomed to not happen unless we both really wanted it, and clearly we both didn't. Maybe we did but the mess and difficulty that it would have been was too much to handle. Him and I were like the USC 2006 football team; they were a great team it was just a bad season. Bad timing, bad season and BAD,BAD,BAD decisions. 

To make a long boring story short I was sad when I kind of realized that nothing was going to come from it. I'm a sucker for love stories, happy endings, babies and true love. When you get your hopes up high, how do you recover from falling down? For the first time since Nicholas I kind of really liked someone again and it made me happy to feel butterflies and all that fun jazz again. I felt like a teenager again who got really happy and smiled way too often when I was around this guy. I found out what it was like to feel stupid again. To find myself texting this person before I text other people and wanting to just be around them. Then just out of the blue reality hit and he realized it wasn't something that would work out and I realized it too. As sad and angry as I might have been then now I'm kind of happy. I was able to experience what it was like to actually like someone again and realize that there is a chance for finding happiness and love again. It also made me think that I should not go for something/someone that I know will make me unhappy in the long-run. I knew that if I wanted to actually date this guy that it wasn't going to work out but I let my lust and childish crush get in the way of my mind and I just decided to be stupid about the whole situation. It's all good now and the sparks gone and I don't want to mess with it again. I realized before I would get butterflies in my tummy and knots in my throat whenever I was around him and now it's all gone. Before I thought there was potential for something beautiful and now I know that's not true and I grew up in the whole situation. 

Most importantly I realized that love and feeling happy isn't a once in a life time kind of situation. It's still out there, you just can't be sitting around hoping it hits you someday. It's something you find within yourself and then someone else finds it in you and falls in love with it. So what do you do? Do you let your emotions fly out and take the consequences that may come from it or do you stop and think clearly of what you're about to do? Do you risk everything you have for being with someone who you have a hot fire with or do you just let things run its course and attempt to be happy as your life is? Or do you put on your big girl pants on and decide that if you want something you go out and get it? I think I'll continue to wear my big girl pants and be really honest. If you want it, go and get it. If it doesn't stick around to the end well then go find something new. There's plenty of love out there, you just have to get past all the mistakes so you know you've found perfection. The perfection that completes you and stays with you.
 I don't want a sparkler I want some of those trick candles that no matter how hard someone tries to get rid of the spark it's still shining bright. The ones where when you think it's about to burn out, it never does.