It's a Poison Cup

I think if perhaps I told my mom what goes on in my life a little more often she wouldn't think I'm crazy or bipolar. If perhaps I was a little more honest and forward to her, then she wouldn't think that I just like to cry for the heck of it. And perhaps she would just be there to give me a little more insight. But then again, how can I explain a situation like this to her? How am I supposed to be like, well, mom the whole reason I've been like chronically sad for the past year or so is because I like the wrong guys. I don't just end up liking the wrong guys but I end up sticking around thinking it's all worth it in the end. She'll just think I'm dumb and well at this point so do I. Crying three times a week over someone is not my idea of happily ever after. But neither is giving up. So what do I do? Do I stick around in hopes that it all magically gets better one day or do I decide when enough is just a little too much? I don't know. That's all I know, I know that I don't know what to do in my life and what to do in a situation like this so therefore, I just do what I think is best.

What about a time machine for Christmas?

In the morning I had a "tada" moment. I realized that my life mainly revolves around me. That deep down inside I am an incredibly selfish person. That I would rather go to yoga or go workout or do whatever that pleases me instead of going out on a date. I would much rather further my relationship and love for myself instead of having to deal with a relationship with another person. Is this selfish or is this the right thing to do? Must we live in a life where we are destined to please other people before ourselves? I don't think so, but then again I fight odds and conformity. I reached out to my friend about this. I was thinking I was suffering from a mid mid-life crisis. 21 and selfish was the title for myself. Nicole told me that I was doing exactly what I should be doing in life; that I was doing what many women my age should be doing as well. I was living a life where I was trying to make myself happy and not let any guy get in between my happiness and my success in life. Call me selfish if you would like but I will simply tell you that I am happy. Just like that.

is this love or is this fear?

I believe it comes hand-in-hand. You have to have a perfect balance between both of them. If you love someone, then you also fear that you might lose them. If you fear someone then you will show love and kindness to them in attempts to have them love you. But at one point it gets out of hand if you're not careful. You might just find yourself losing that love and filling it up with fear. Fear of loneliness or just fear of not having them by your side. It's that fear that grows within you while you're driving alone in your car and you think, it might just be like this for the rest of you life. So you might as well start getting used to singing alone because if you lose that one girl, well shoot, there goes your whole life. So fill your heart up with fear and perhaps you'll wake up one day and you're old, as is she, and you'll notice that your fear of her leaving you has become hatred and disgust from her to you. You cannot be respected until you respect yourself and you can't respect yourself if you put your whole happiness on someone else- especially on some other mortal. It's a sad tale and it goes in circles for just about everyone. You can't fear losing someone. You should fear not being in love with the one who's by your side but not losing them. If love is gone then it should end. That lack of love should not be replaced for fear. So be bold and stand up for it! Don't have fear, don't fear anyone but yourself. No one in life ever made it far by fearing others. Fight that inner being in you and love those who surround you. If they hate you, well bless their hearts and move on in your life. Don't fear. Fear crumbles your heart.

Saint or Sinner?

So what's the difference? Would you prefer to be a saint or a sinner? Would our society accept us more if we are one or the other? The definition of a sinner is simply: a person who sins. Now what is a sin? There are several definition but my favorite is: regrettable act or behavior. For those who are religious it can also be referred to as violating the divine law. Now, what is a saint? It can be described as a person of great holiness. So if you don't believe in God does that mean that you cannot be a saint? Does that mean that you're forced into a life of being a sinner? Perhaps. But let's move that aside. Let's just simply focus on which one is more acceptable in our society. If you are a sinner, odds are you have lied, cheated, committed adultery or coveted your neighbors wife (which is a fancy way of saying you desire someone else). Uh-oh. It seems as if everyone falls under this category, just about everyone. A saint would be the person who is always forward to you because they don't believe in lying. The saint would be the person who tries and tries to lead you in the right direction because they truly believe that there's good in people. A saint would be the one who always forgive and look past peoples' faults and accept them as they are. A SAINT IS ALSO THAT PERSON WHO NO ONE LIKES. Yupp. It's the truth. In this society everyone lies or cheat or always strives to have something better than the next person. It's not exactly being competitive, it's called being unhappy. The sinner is probably also the more fun out of the two and honestly, who doesn't like to have fun? Who doesn't enjoy cocktails and inside stories among each other? It's a wicked,wicked world with 7billion souls out there just roaming free in an attempt to find happiness. With about 6 billion souls who are selfish and uncaring for others- sadly we're converting into a world filled with sinners. Let the broken hearts begin.

Is This Georgia Heat Playing Tricks on Me?

We all should get what we want out of live and want what he have in life. I met a boy who has a little trouble grasping this Kindergarten concept. It's as if when he's found happiness he thinks it's all a trick and refuses to believe in it. Childish, huh? I thought it was sad and troubling. It's one of those things that make you want to shake a person until they realize what they're doing. Perhaps he's in a "happiness shock" or in his case it is a "happiness coma". You know where you just can't grasp everything that is happening to you because it's too good to be true. Kind of like the thrill I had when we drove up to Bonnaroo and didn't have to wait 10 hours in line to get in. Better yet when I left Urban Outfitters with two large bags of clothing and shoes in exchange for a mere sixty dollars. WINNING? YES. Maybe our technology and science will find a cure for this. Or a book! "How to Know You're Truly Happy When Unsure For Dummies" My money is on Eric and his sarcastic/genius brain to find a cure for all those unfulfilled hearts out there. Until then there isn't anything we can do other than cross our fingers,look up at the clouds and hope that someday they'll wake up from their blurry life.  

And perhaps every now and then I'll bring sparks of happiness to his life. For his own well being and my own (:

A simple altercation.

Your body is only as strong as your heart is. 


I pondered on this thought that ran through my mind today and I believe it's true. What makes you stronger? What makes you have the courage to jump off a plane, start a new career or to meet someone new? What allows you to take a leap and do something you never imagined before? It's not your body. Your physique and personality does not make your courage. It may give you confidence to a certain level, but past that it isn't worth much.  It's within you. It's in you. It's your heart which helps guide you and makes or breaks you. I am especially writing this one out of personal and first-hand experience on how the health of your heart can change you. Think about it, when you're happy and you just feel ecstatic about your life, you don't get sick; you stay healthy. When people are depressed and they go through traumatic events, they're more likely to get sick. It's like the inner voice within your body that is wanting to ease pain by shutting down the rest of your body and it shuts down your immune system. Scary, huh? 
This past week has been a hectic and stressful one for me that I've wanted to get it over with. I had a not so great event happen on Monday night and it really made me sad and somewhat depressed about the situation. I woke up unwillingly to go to work or to be in a good mood. That day I started to feel sick so I went to my dentist in belief that it may be my tooth. No. The doctor said I'm perfectly fine, and just put numbing out stuff on my teeth. After yesterday, I thought I felt fine but apparently my body thinks otherwise. It's come down with a mix of strep and an unknown something which is not allowing me to eat anything. The pain's terrible and all I want to do is sleep. Unfortunately, I'm not quitter and thanks to my family, I've come to realize that your body will only be as strong as your heart it. I've been sad and moody lately so no wonder my body is wanting to give in.  
You don't really know how much a person means to you until they hurt you and you find yourself wanting to get as far away as possible. It's kind of like the cliche of, "you don't know what  you have till you lose it." 
This is me saying that I love every aspect of my life and every wrong and right that's in it. This is me saying that I have to have a stronger heart and not let the little things hurt me so much so that my body will become stronger. This is me saying that sometimes too much is indeed too much and you have to put a halt to somethings. Lastly, this is me saying that just like there's downs in life, there's definitely some big ups and if you can make it through the low points then you'll be soaring high in the ups. 


Now this is me going to bed to get some rest to prepare for the best week of my life. 

When the world comes crashing down I will find you if you hide

hellloooooooo!!!! In the midst of arranging Bonnaroo, helping plan two parties, working five days a week and keeping a social life,I  I've disappeared for a bit. 
About two weeks ago was Sandra's birthday and then that weekend was her birthday party! yay!! The theme was rockstar and so we all dressed up for it. I was Angus Young, Sandra was Lady Gaga (jealous!!!), Amanda was Courtney Love, Jennifer was Katy Perry and Amber was Amy Winehouse. 
Thanks to Amanda, Jenn and myself we all made Sandra's cake! A pink/purple/white fondant cake with stars and an albino squirrel on it. I've never been so frustrated in my life but we managed at the end. I didn't get a full picture of it since I did not have a camera at the time, but you can trust in me when I say that it was really pretty and tasty. 
As the night progressed and the place continued to get more and more packed I realized that it doesn't really matter where you are or what you do, but what counts the most is who you're with. A party with my friends in Buda, Austin, or Tennessee is all the same to me because I'm surrounded by who makes me happy and who I love. For better for worse they stick around. I'm not saying it's always smiles and cheeriness, we argue and yell a lot but that's part of what growing up is. You can't fully love a person unless you've discovered the good and bad in them and still accept them. It's like my puppy. I love Dobie, and he bites people and growls at them and scares  ex boyfriends away but I still love him. Even when he's gone through 3 pairs of shoes. 


As the night ended for me and I was about to head back home Sandra, Amanda, Jennifer, myself and Amber were all saying goodbye and birthday girl was telling us how happy she was with how's life turned out and how we're all friends. Amber, Sandra's roommate, told me we both went to the same school and I automatically assumed it was my first high school. No...... we graduated together. I just never met her. I kinda liked it though. There are people who are so close to you in your life and your everyday routine and you never notice them, but when the time's right  that's when they stumble upon and you finally meet them and get to know them. If we would have met in high school I probably wouldn't have really talked to her. Senior year of high school was a blur and now I have my life put together. So tada! 


Same goes with Miss Sandra. If I would have actually been introduced to her like two years ago, I probably wouldn't have been given the opportunity or chance to actually get to know her and see what a great friend she could be and is. I met her through Amanda and the timing was perfect and even though she doesn't live near me, she's gotten to know me and vice versa.  You can't just sit around and mope about what you don't have in life; when it's supposed to happen and the timing is right, then it will happen. Kinda like true love. Those stories  you hear about people who magically met on a vacation trip and would have never, ever, EVER met if it wouldn't have been for that trip, well there you go. It was supposed to happen so it did happen. 


xoxoxoxoxoxo 

maybe you're gonna be the one to save me. after all, you're my wonderwall.

I should go to school. I should have babies. I should listen to my parents. I should be smaller. I should eat more. I should not be so picky. I should not speed. I should not lose my license for the 10th time this year. I should, I should, I should. 
I SHOULD SCREAM!!!! 


I feel that myself as a woman and a young adult I am constantly bombarded with "i shoulds". Whatever happened to "I want"? 


I would want to be happy. I would want to stay up all night and just blog and download more music. When I'm done with that I would want to wake up and run till my body gives in and then go to bed. These are more short-term goals. I feel that in our time in age we no longer know what we want in life. We are just continuously brain washed with what we "should" be doing that we forget what we wanted to begin with. 
So this is my shout out and scream for freedom to everybody who feels like this. Instead of being filled with a day of what we should be doing I suggest we all rebel against it and instead find what it is that we like and do it. No questions asked and don't over think what you're about to do. It takes away the adrenaline if you think it through for too long. 
If I want to sign up for a marathon and set myself up for it,then well I just did. I can't wait and I know this is what I want to do. 
I want to go to Ecuador in July and if I save up 800 bucks then guess what, I can't wait to see my family. 
Life isn't what we "should" be doing. It's about what we "want" to be doing in it. We should have never existed if it wouldn't have been for Eve and what she "wanted". So tada! a "want" led us to this beautiful life. So enjoy it!!! 

I’ll give you fish, I’ll give you candy, I’ll give you everything I have in my hand.

I feel like it's necessary that I give in a little peak about my family. Lately I feel as though I have just been constantly disappointing them or maybe they should have different expectations from me. 
My mom's youngest brother told me one time, "people don't disappoint you, it's the perceived expectations that you have in them that do". I always thought he was just a womanizer and a pessimist but now I believe he is right. If we have no expectations in other people then we can never be disappointed. Tragic but true. 
Last week  I attended a Buddhist meditation with my mom. At first I figured I go for the kicks and giggles, and when I was there I wanted to run! After about an hour of talking and meditating, I loved it. I plan on researching more on it and attending more classes. It's also nice to have my mom by my side for the first time in forever.
This brings in how I always expected my family to be more involved in what I liked. I always expected my dad to be the typical dad who gives my boyfriends a hard time and picks on them and reminds them how much I mean to him. I also always expected my mom to want to be more involved in my life, my school and my future. 
I'm 20. I am no longer a child and I can no longer have my family do what I always expected of them. I am bummed out about it from time to time but it's made me realize who I am and who my family is and why I love them. 
I have a tiny family which consists of my dad, mom and my brother. They are all who I see for Christmas, Thanksgiving and any other Holiday which may come around each year. Last time I saw my grandparents for Christmas was in 1999. That's a long time ago..... I was in the third grade.  


With all of this floating in my head I've realized that my itsy bitsy family has made me very happy. They expect me to be home more often and to be a person that I'm not. They budge and I give in some from time to time but we're getting to a good place. About like three years ago, if you asked me what I wanted in my future I would have told you that I wanted to marry a foreign guy and live far away where we could be happy and alone. Now I want to marry in the U.S. and I want a family here with cousins and family ties. I've realized you can't expect people to be what you want them to be, you just have to accept them as they are and if you truly don't care for them then when they "disappoint" you, you'll simply move on. It's the people who stick around that who are your family.  


Like in the movie The Professional, I want to "have roots". 

You Jump, I Jump.

So this thought has been racing through my mind lately. I have been meaning to blog but I have found myself drowning in responsibilities, essays, midterms, finals, work, and planning. I feel like that's all I do in my life. I just plan a lot. I feel like  Jennifer Lopez from The Wedding Planner except I don't have Matthew McConaughey or the Latina attitude.....Anywho, back to the point. 
So I've always been a sucker for thinking "what if?" I guess it's just that I always want to try something new or something different, or maybe it's just the fact that I easily get bored and I am in constant search of something to keep me on my toes.  
The other day I was thinking about people who stay in relationships even though they're not completely happy. Why? I don't know. I asked them and they couldn't give me a coherent response either. A few said things such as: 
"because I owe it to her" 
"I can't hurt her like that" 
"I have no one else to go to" 
"You just have to get through times like these" 
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. 


That's what I think about that. If you don't love her/him then end it. If you're not happy then end it. If you find yourself happier in someone else's arms then end it. 


I feel as though we are cultivated in this society where we focus so much on school and our futures and money that we forget what life is really about or what it should be about. 
It's about being HAPPY! Find a true love and hold on to it, if the sparks start to die well sometimes it's better to let go and start up another spark. 
Think about it. What's better, enjoying sitting by a fireplace with real wood and sparks flying everywhere or sitting in front of one of those modern-day electronic projected fireplaces? Of course, the modern one with the projected fire and wood may have a prettier image and may be safer. You won't run the risk of burning down your house, burning yourself, or catching anything on fire but what's life if not a risk? You need the real kind of fire. You need the fire that causes your heart to beat faster when you get up close and it may even scare you if you get too close. The first time you have found yourself close to fire it may even scare you but that goes away and all you're left with afterwards is a warm feeling inside and a memory worthwhile. It's a lot like true love and finding happiness. 


Nowadays many people get too comfortable with their routine and their lives and they get scared. They're scared of change and they're scared of leaving that comfortable warm feeling. Our society needs a little push, a reminder that sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone in order to achieve the greatest happiness out there. 
"You are what I never knew I always wanted" 
This is my favorite quote of all time. It's from the movie Fools Rush In. If you haven't seen it, I strongly suggest you do. 


It describes what I think about life. Of course you may be "okay" or "just fine" with your life now but maybe if you gave it a little shot or took a little risk you may find what you've always wanted in your life and never knew before. It's a scary thought to grasp onto but it's the truth. Don't settle in your life for anything else than the best. I'm not saying life is just one big staircase and all you do is go up until you reach the highest point. Life is more like wake boarding. When you first start out it's hard to get up and stay up, after a few good falls you manage to find a perfect balance where you feel stable and you feel safe; you get bored with this routine and seeing the same view of the boat in front of you so you decide to take a risk and you do a little flip. If you're lucky you'll be a natural like Amber Wing and you'll land perfectly. If not, well then you just have to shake it off and decide if you want to stay in the comfort zone of just cruising behind a boat or if you want to try another flip and maybe this time it won't hurt as much. 


Get out of your rut and give it a shot. You might just find in  your arms what you never knew you always wanted. 


xoxo <3

Meet Ashton. The girl who always sticks around for the hard times<3
She knows a thing or two about always finding what's best for her happiness! 

All Good Things Must Pass.

Yesterday was warm and sunny. Today it started off like that and the day progressed on to being cold and windy. It made me feel funnies. I don't know why but windy, cloudy days always make me sad. They remind me of Fort Worth and I still get knots and ties in my stomach at the thought of it. I guess some things just never get fixed. Then again, my mood goes up and down without warning so that may be a more reasonable explanation behind it. Whatever it may be today led me to drink lots of coffee and go on a smoking binge. 

Black coffee is delicious if the weather is right and today it was perfect for the occasion. It's a blessing and a curse that I work in a coffee shop. I pity the poor souls who cannot give it up and are addicted to their white mochas. 

But then again on days like these, I pity myself for the thoughts that have haunted me for almost a year. As much as I tell everyone that I want to be by myself and travel the world and learn everything I can; at the same time I want to wake up next to the person that I love and have that person by my side for when life gets tough and when life is really good. Surprises make my heart happy and memories of going home blindfolded to a candle-lit house with Al Green playing throughout the house make me melancholy. But as my good friend Antonio says,

ALL THINGS MUST PASS. 

Good and bad, it all comes to an end. 

My first trip to fort worth. It was cold and windy. Go figure. 

Now DAMN YOU Elton John, four cups of Verona Coffee, cold weather and Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer. 

NO I WILL NOT GROW OLD WITH YOU. That song is lame anyway. 

Here's the playlist that has prevented me from writing my 15 page paper on my philosophical view over abortion. 

*Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me- Elton John 

*Fast Car- Tracey Chapman 

*Still haven't found what I'm looking for- Buena Vista Social Club 

*Secret- One Republic 

*Life by the Drop- Stevie Ray (aka hubbbyy) 

*Wild World- Cat Stevens 

*Somebody's Baby- Jackson Browne

*Never Gonna Give You Up- Black Keys 

*Slow Dance- John Legend 

*Ausensia- Willie Colon 

*Stop This Train- John Mayer 

*Assassin- John Mayer 

He's got my heart. 

Best John Mayer line for tonight: 

"See once in a while when it's good

It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train"

Now I'll go listen to Stravinsky to make my heart happy before I go to bed. xoxo

Pease and Pretty in Pink

Yesterday was Eeyore's Birthday! Happy birthday old friend! Eeyore was always my favorite character from Winnie the Pooh. I tend to be described as the happy, bubbly child but I feel like I'm actually quite angry and depressed most of the time. I'll never know. I think one thing and the world says another. Well Eeyore is a chronically depressed donkey. That's my kind of friend! Enough on my own mental issues and battles and more on Eeyore. It was the 47th annual festival in his honor! Yippie! Hippies, body painting, nudity and lots of love to be passed around. LOTS and LOTS of love for everyone.

His birthday party takes place in Pease Park which also has a huge significance for all those longhorns out there. Pease park is a reminder to every little burnt-orange buddy  out there that as much as you may try to be a well-educated member of society deep down you know that you're a smelly, loving, tree-hugging hippie who loves UT and all of its funk that goes behind it. 

Pretty in Pink and Jenn. 

Eeyore's long lost brother! 

Tigger? 

This is my kinda man. Straight forward and to the point. 

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Austin<3<3<3

I was completely fighting everyone with my attire. I was wearing combat boots, high-waist shorts and a long-sleeved shirt. Take it that I had class that morning at 9AM and had not stopped to change. If it were up to me I would have worn a dress, put in some more braids in my hair and gotten body paintings all over. Unfortunately that was not the case so I had to settle for some feathers which the three of us got for 5 bucks. SCORE! and a Henna tattoo which has just inspired me to get an actual tattoo on my neck. I think it looks beautiful. Well it did while it was still visible now it's just fading away. 

The bus ride to the garage made me think a little bit about my hometown. What exactly is Austin? How does one define Austin? I define it as the place where I grew up and love. It's the place where I can wear a red top which has an open back and it's just held in place by a big gold safety pin. I took that top to Fort Worth and I'm certain the sweet old man at the Shamrock was about to hang me and drag me around the town. Ouch.... 

So what's it to you? Better yet, what is your favorite part about Austin? Is it the live music, the long horns, the Stevie Ray Statue (also the perfect man for me), Lake Travis or the eclectic scene and warm atmosphere and tingle in your tummy that you get when you know you're in good ol' Austin Texas? Whatever it may be, I love Austin and I would never leave it unless I was offered a job up in Seattle. Then I might have to take a leave of  absence. Until then, Austin Texas and all of the smelly hippies that come from it hold my heart very tight. 

xoxoxo 

I almost forgot! On the bus there was this Asian man who looked like he was having the time of his life. He made me smile. While we filmed the bus ride back I was reminded of a video I saw a long time ago. It's a pretty popular video but it gets me every time. Enjoy! Originality make the world go round and round and round! 

Link BELOW!!! 

Chinese Backstreet Boys - That Way

Mejor Sola Que Mal Acompañada

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again. xoxo- TSWIFT

Because you're mine, I walk the line....or do I?

I have always found myself sitting next to one of my friends trying to consult them in attempts to make them happy. It's always the same old story about a boyfriend who lies and cheats. I think it's terrible. What kind of world do we live in? When I was little everyone had a happily ever after and according to my mother people only had sex with one person and that person was their husband/wife.

I'm pretty sure this mind set was still with me even up to my junior year in high school. Then reality hit and I realized that guys/girls lie, cheat, hurt and then continuously lie. Just be honest for crying out loud.

As the years have passed by not only has my knowledge and account of cheaters and liars in this world grown but so has my family. I apparently have two other "families" thanks to my beloved family who has a tendency to have children outside of marriage. From my mom's side of the family, she is the only one who is still married and happily married. The other seven have managed to marry, divorce, remarry or find that "comfort" outside of the holy matrimony. Thanks to them I have cousins, aunts, uncles and little ones in the U.S., Ecuador, Chile, Germany and Italy. (note that these are the ones that my mom knows about)

It's time for a FIESTA!!!

San Antonio is located about 45 minutes from Austin. Depends on how fast you can drive and what day you are driving down.... I have always been a fan of San Antonio. I think it's a beautiful city and I have always referred to it as "little mexico." It is one of the few developed cities where you can go just about anywhere and you will find someone who can speak Spanish.
Last Saturday my parents called me to ask what I was doing during the day so I told them I had plans with an old friend and then I had work. My lack of spending time with them made me give in to their plans and off to San Antonio we went. My dad had wanted to go to the Annual Fiesta that they have so see what all the talk was about. Half-awake and completely exhausted from the night before off we went to San Antonio in hopes of a good ol' adventure with my family.
Upon getting there and turning into down town San Antonio we found that the place was completely packed. There were people walking everywhere and they were all very festive looking with colorful hats and flowers on their heads. Even though it may just seem that San Antonio wants to party all the time, Fiesta is actually a very important event for the fellow San Antonians around. It includes their past and how they came to be the wonderful city that they are now. It is definitely a must on your to-do list.

We stumbled into the Cathedral which happens to be very pretty from the outside. The inside really lacked originality and color but the outside was looking pretty good. Inside there was a wedding going on, so maybe that's why I didn't really get a chance to explore much. The feel of the city is very unique. It doesn't have the feel that Austin has about being "hip and weird" but it has a more traditional kind of atmosphere. They'be both favorites but they're both very different indeed.

We found where the Fiesta Festival was at and adventured in. The place was packed. There were so many people and live music. There were little vendors outside selling Agua Fresca and food so I was a happy child. I snuck away to eat a taco while my parents checked out the shopping and my mom bought a ring. Go figure. We ended up eating at Mi Tierra which was delicious but waiting 45 minutes for a table is ridiculous. We went to the bar first while we waited and I eagerly stared at my parents drinks while I enjoyed my water with lemon. yay!

We finally left so I could make it to work by 6:30. I was tired, filled and sun-burned but it was a good day and I was able to spend a full day with my family.

Give Me One Reason to Stay Here

When I was in high school it seemed as though whoever you dated or "talked" to had a past that you already knew about. If you didn't know about their past, well someone did and that someone would tell you everything you needed to know. Every guy that I would even come close to talking to in high school would also come with a wave of gossiping, tattle-taling and an eager ex-girlfriend willing to tell you everything you wanted to or didn't want to know. Better yet, it seemed as though it was easier to dislike a guy than it was to like a guy after you found out everything you could. This made dating in high school really lame. It was the reason why the last year of my high school years was also one of the worst years when it came to gossiping and mean girls.

Well what about now? I am 20  years old and single. I like to go out and have fun and meet new people. I'm certain when I was born God said "Let this one be a friendly one," and so I have a natural talent to meet people and befriend them. It has been the reason behind most of my stories and adventures. 

Well last week I was out enjoying dinner in Austin with my friend and we were sharing stories of guys we had either talked to at one point or dated before. Since my previous boyfriends all came from my high school years well it wasn't that hard to describe them. Everyone who attended Hays High School is pretty much the same. Well what about the guys I meet now? I feel a bit intimidated by them because I do not know the person they were before. I don't know if they ever loved another girl before or if he's known for being a bad or good boyfriend. I don't know who their prom date was or if they ever went to prom. I don't know if they come from a good family or if they even have a family. This whole "not knowing" business tends to make me queasy feeling and not very comfortable around them.

Then about two days ago I realized that I was in the wrong. I remembered what it was like to be able to be with someone who you really felt happy with and to know that as important as the past may be it is still the past and what is important is what I put into the future. 

So maybe the guy who makes you completely happy now is that guy who you were mean to in high school. Maybe the guy who is helping you at the bank is that guy who you never wanted to talk to in class. Perhaps your lawyer or real estate agent are the guys who always got the best grades in class and hardly talked. Perhaps the guy who you have fallen in love with now is the nerdy, smelly, annoying boy who you would have never looked at in high school. But what's important is that that guy who he used to be has become into the man who just wants to make you as happy as you can be and that's the kind of thing that makes my heart melt. The past does come back from time to time for some people, but when it comes to love and finding your happiness I think that what counts the most is being utterly happy at that moment with that person. Who cares who you were in the past? 

I'm interested in finding the person within you that will make me as happy as possible. 

My favorite Don Juan

About two weeks ago my car decided to break down, as usual, and I had no one to rescue me. I called Amanda and she said she was on her way to get me so I wouldn't be stuck in Austin all day long. After sitting there helplessly and cursing the name of Ford it decided to start up and it was running! I went straight home and called Amanda to tell her she didn't have to go get me anymore. Due to the troubles that she went through and because I love food I told her I would take her out to eat breakfast one day. That day was today. I decided that since she is now living in Buda that she eat something that is more Buda like. A little run down place called Casa Alde which I went to throughout my high school years. Well they're closed on Tuesday so phoooey. It put a damper in my morning and we pondered on where we could eat. As much as I like to pretend I'm American I'm not a fan of eating pancakes outside my home and the only waffles that make me happy are from Waffle House and those are rare to come by. After nulling out every idea that came to my mind Amanda suggested Juan in a Million. I had never been there so off we went to Juan in a Million. I had never been there but I had heard of it from friends and The Travel Channel.

 A 40 minute drive later and we are now on the east side of I35 on Cesar Chavez. It's not the U.S. over there. The streets look different, the homes are built different, the drivers in the cars stare at you and honk rudely and it even smells different down there. We arrived to the restaurant and we parked in the back and went on in. My first impression of the place was that it looks pretty shady so hopefully that means the food must be good. It's an East Austin Favorite from what I had heard from many so eagerly we walked in. Amanda had been here before several times so she wasn't as interested as I was. I'm pretty sure she was just really hungry. 

The place looks pretty rough from the inside but I think it adds a bit of style to it. As much as I love food I also don't appreciate dropping 30 dollars for one meal on it as well so as I looked at the menu I realized I had come to the right place. While everything seemed intriguing I had to get the Don Juan. It was shown on Man vs. Food Challenge on the Travel Channel and well I had to get it. The guy next to me had a margarita and was finishing up his tacos and I was very jealous. I know it was only 10:30 A.M. but yet I still really wanted one and more because I can't get one. Just 5 more months!!! Moving on... When I came back from the bathroom my food was already there and The Don Juan was HUGE!!!! I just looked at it and I'm certain my blood pressure went up. 

 I made just about one taco out of this and took the rest in a to-go box. I was feeling a bit weird this morning so I didn't each much but what I did eat was delicious. The tortillas are toasted so they're a bit crunchy and warm, the potatoes are perfectly blended in with the bacon and cheese and they have a spice in it which blended it all together to perfection. Amanda had ordered two tacos and had managed to tackle one of them and the other one she was taking home. I asked for the check and for both of us it came out to $11.88. 

Awesome. 

Overview of the place: cheap food, good food, fast service, family owned and delicious. It's the perfect hole in the wall for the Austinite in everyone. The neighborhood may be a bit intimidating but what's a good meal if it doesn't involve a little bit of adventure with it? 

http://www.juaninamillion.com/

Running to the Future with You Right By My Side

In the past two weeks I have found myself in the midst of marriages, proposals, pregnancies and new babies! As excited as I am for all of my friends to have their life in place and finally have found their happily ever after I also feel like I'm romance-handicapped. It's as though I was an all-star back in high school and then after being in a relationship for two years I have lost it. Or maybe I'm just not looking?  Whatever it may be I feel as though I am the oddball in this one. I'm more involved in school, adventuring, and my friends. I see girls who are pregnant or already have babies and I want one so bad. Every time I see them and think that in my head, I have to take a step back and realize that as much as I may want a new baby or an adorable toddler I can't even take care of myself at times. I sleep like 3 hours in one night and then drink enough caffeine to keep China awake, I always drive myself into trouble and my open/uncensored mind has managed to get me in some kind of dispute with people constantly. I have finally managed to learn how to cook delicious meals! But other than that I am not prepared for a child. All the girls who I see pregnant now seem to have led the same life as I did right up to their pregnancy. So does that mean that all these girls are now completely changing their lives? Does it mean that they no longer urge to go out to dance all night? What about their boyfriends or husbands? Do they know that those men will be the one for them for the rest of their lives or have they just settled? The average age of a woman when she first gets married is 25 years old in the U.S. In France it's 29 years old and in Sweden it's 30 years old. Are women in France pickier than women in the U.S? Do women in France take their relationships longer until they know they are ready to be in a relationship? Or are women in the U.S. more free-willed and willing to start a family fast? Maybe it's the land of opportunity feel that the U.S gives to everyone where they believe that anything is possible in this land.  If  you look a little further though the U.S. has a 45.8% divorce rate as of 2010. Whereas France has a 38.1% divorce rate. So maybe just as I am feeling like an outcast in the society that I am in, perhaps every other woman feels the same. Maybe we are all just following a trend that will lead us all to proposals, marriages, babies and unfortunately a divorce in the end. I don't mean to be the debbie downer in the situation but statistics are against us. Until I have found a happily ever after I will continue with my lifestyle and my beliefs in marriage and babies. My closest friends and I have all decided we have to have babies at the same time just so they can grow up together as well. Adorable! If things get out of hand here and babies are popping left and right well then I'll just go live in France. It's always been a dream of mine to travel the world when I'm young and settle down when I'm actually prepared to be a mommy. I would only want the best for my children and I could only do that when I have my life in complete zen.
Au Revoir!

Cop lights, flash lights, spot lights, strobe lights, street lights.

My Michael Vick attempt. 

When I was fifth grade my best friend, Amanda, had a birthday party. This was around the time that Ms. Congeniality had come out and beauty pageants were all the craze. Every one wanted to be Sandra Bullock and all of us were very excited to put on prom dresses and make up. Of course her birthday party had to consist of a beauty pageant. We've come a long way from then. I'll let you in on our costume party we had last night in just a bit. Continuing with Amanda's party- Amanda, Jenn, Megan, Ashton and myself were all there. Sorry if I forgot someone....it was a long time ago and I have no pictures to recollect memories from. I was Miss Florida and for my talent I sang to Nelly Furtado's Turn off the Lights. It was a train wreck into an oil rig. Need I say more? Well Amanda will never let me live that down and last night I was thinking about this. I thought last night that it would be really funny if I decided to pull a prank on my friends and turn off the lights and then run to the corner and hide with Amanda under the couch as we both laughed uncontrollably. What am I, eight? I would say twelve... But I had a blast and I was happy that even after so long I can still keep pulling pranks and jokes on my friends and they're still there. Like my mom has always told me, I've always been the instigator of trouble I just tend to get away with what I do with a smile and all is forgiven.

Ke$ha?

Soooooo let the party begin! Sarah Maria had her 19th birthday party last night!! whooop whooop! After a long week and having to do so much at last minute especially poor Jenn and Amanda it all came through.  Amanda went as Ke$ha; Jennifer went as the infamous Miley Cyrus and yes, she's infamous; Sarah was an extremely seductive Cat Woman; and I was a football player. I tried my hardest to look like a real football player but all I got out of it was "cute". I can't complain much seeing that I got pulled over that night and I'm certain my outfit and pig tails saved me from getting a ticket. Thank the lord I'm a girl! I'm happy so many people showed to it and we all had fun. Birthdays have always been special days for me. When I was little I would start counting down for my birthday 6 months in advance. I still kind of do that I'm just not as nagging as I was before. My parents have to love me and accept me even when I remind them of my birthday everyday for the next 180 days. With my friends, I'll start the count down in July!

Untamed. 

I think birthdays are one of those things that are almost religious to me. I love birthdays. They're the kind of things that I love to go all out for. I will buy balloons and makes cakes and just do just about anything just to keep the special day as special as it can be.If you are my friend and I love you then what better day to express all that love then on the day you were born? Without that day, you would have never existed and without your existence I would have never been as happy as I am now that I have you by my side. It's a special day. It's a day where you look at the birthday boy/girl and remember just how much that person has changed your life. Then you realize that on that exact day however many years ago that person was born and now they've made it into your life to make you and keep you happy. This is why I love birthdays. It's a constant reminder of all the people I love and make me happy in life and I would love to return all the happiness. There are 340,500 births a day around the world. That means that each day your probabilities of finding happiness or meeting someone who will make you happy grows each day. Should people still be sad in the world then?

 Of course, life gets shitty every now and then. But I think with so many births a day, love should be up in the air more often and being happy is no longer a choice or an option; it's an essential part of our lives. We all deserve to be happy. So just as I was ecstatic about Sarah's birthday and her birthday celebrations; I am just as ecstatic about everyone who is celebrating a birthday today, tomorrow or soon. Just  as I did not know Sarah up until this year, maybe happiness is out there you just haven't been to enough birthday parties to find it yet.

This one is to you Miss Sarah!!! Happy Birthday, babygirl!! 

Quiero lavar en el mar lo que no sea futuro.

This weekend so far has been amazing and I cannot wait to write all about it and Sarah's birthday celebrations but first I have to write about something that makes me feel queasy from time to time. Some weeks ago I really liked a guy. This was something kind of new for me. After I ended my 2 year relationship with Nicholas I felt as though no matter who I met, I didn't like them or something was wrong with them. For a while I was certain something was wrong with me. I would have great guys right in front of me but yet I felt nothing, I felt no spark and no sort of interest in any of them. I would come up with the dumbest excuses for why they just weren't the right one for me or even worth my time. I even threw a fit and was really upset when this guy who I was on a date with did not know who Stevie Ray Vaughan was. I felt insulted and decided I couldn't talk to the guy anymore. Sounds real immature now that I look at it again but I can be childish from time to time.

But then something happened. I didn't really meet a new guy it was just this one guy who I had known for a while and had a very childish crush on. He's by far not my type and not someone I would haver ever seen myself liking but there's something there that has always caught my eye. Well it just kind of all sparked together at once and burned beautifully. It was like a sparkler. It lit up quick and emitted colorful flames and sparks everywhere. It burned real hot and it made me happy. For the first time I felt as though what I had found was all in my hands and I could control it and let it make me happy but then just like every good sparkler it died down and didn't spark back up and it won't ever spark back up. 

I felt really dumb. I should have known better because I knew from the start before I made the leap of actually trying something new that I was going to get hurt. It was a bad circumstance and it was just doomed to not happen unless we both really wanted it, and clearly we both didn't. Maybe we did but the mess and difficulty that it would have been was too much to handle. Him and I were like the USC 2006 football team; they were a great team it was just a bad season. Bad timing, bad season and BAD,BAD,BAD decisions. 

To make a long boring story short I was sad when I kind of realized that nothing was going to come from it. I'm a sucker for love stories, happy endings, babies and true love. When you get your hopes up high, how do you recover from falling down? For the first time since Nicholas I kind of really liked someone again and it made me happy to feel butterflies and all that fun jazz again. I felt like a teenager again who got really happy and smiled way too often when I was around this guy. I found out what it was like to feel stupid again. To find myself texting this person before I text other people and wanting to just be around them. Then just out of the blue reality hit and he realized it wasn't something that would work out and I realized it too. As sad and angry as I might have been then now I'm kind of happy. I was able to experience what it was like to actually like someone again and realize that there is a chance for finding happiness and love again. It also made me think that I should not go for something/someone that I know will make me unhappy in the long-run. I knew that if I wanted to actually date this guy that it wasn't going to work out but I let my lust and childish crush get in the way of my mind and I just decided to be stupid about the whole situation. It's all good now and the sparks gone and I don't want to mess with it again. I realized before I would get butterflies in my tummy and knots in my throat whenever I was around him and now it's all gone. Before I thought there was potential for something beautiful and now I know that's not true and I grew up in the whole situation. 

Most importantly I realized that love and feeling happy isn't a once in a life time kind of situation. It's still out there, you just can't be sitting around hoping it hits you someday. It's something you find within yourself and then someone else finds it in you and falls in love with it. So what do you do? Do you let your emotions fly out and take the consequences that may come from it or do you stop and think clearly of what you're about to do? Do you risk everything you have for being with someone who you have a hot fire with or do you just let things run its course and attempt to be happy as your life is? Or do you put on your big girl pants on and decide that if you want something you go out and get it? I think I'll continue to wear my big girl pants and be really honest. If you want it, go and get it. If it doesn't stick around to the end well then go find something new. There's plenty of love out there, you just have to get past all the mistakes so you know you've found perfection. The perfection that completes you and stays with you.
 I don't want a sparkler I want some of those trick candles that no matter how hard someone tries to get rid of the spark it's still shining bright. The ones where when you think it's about to burn out, it never does.